“The mess reminded me of a person I don’t want to be anymore”

Words by Caspar Pisters, photo by Frank

“My closet used to be a complete mess all the time. But I would start organizing it on moments when I was afraid I was about to die. You know, when you’ve just combined too much shit. And coke, and alcohol, and poppers, and kamagra, and ketamine and anything I could get my hands on really.

My heart would pound out of my chest so hard that I was convinced it was going to be the end of it all. So I would always start cleaning my apartment because I didn’t want them to find me in a big mess. When I told this during rehab everybody started laughing really hard.

I found a lot of drugs parafernalia, stuff that I had forgotten about after hiding it

Just last week I came back home after almost two months in this clinic, and right now I’m organizing my bedroom and my closet. The mess reminded me of a person that I don’t want to be anymore. I found a lot of drugs parafernalia. Pipes, bags, bottles. Stuff that I had forgotten about after hiding it for whoever was supposed to pick me up from the floor.

I’ve thrown it all out. And I bought new hangers for my closet, all the same ones so it looks nice and tidy. Clothes that I don’t wear anymore I got rid of and I’ve added some new shelves. Everything is neatly folded now and has its place. I’m also going to buy new curtains for my room. I’ve been clean now for 58 days.”

Frank is 43 years old and lives in Amsterdam

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