“In my loneliest moments sometimes I really don’t know what to do”

When Eva Vermeulen (31) returned to Amsterdam after living abroad for five years, the scene she used to be part of wasn’t really there anymore.

Words by Caspar Pisters, photos courtesy of Eva Vermeulen

“Recently I’ve felt quite lonely. For five years I lived in Sydney to study Game Art & Animation. When I returned to Amsterdam last year, the scene I used to be a part of turned out to have changed a lot.

“I was rooted in the alternative queer community, the squatters, the free spirits. Many of my most radical friends of that time are suddenly all quite settled, each in their own way. It made me feel pressure to go along in pursuing a standard of which I’m not sure it fits me in the first place.

“I miss being part of a group, like I was while living in Sydney. The freedom and creativity that these people pushed for. Age didn’t matter, everyone was engaged in all kinds of jobs. Most of all there was this drive to create together and share.

I felt pressure to go along in pursuing a standard of which I’m not sure it fits me in the first place”

“Back in the Netherlands I haven’t really had the chance to find something similar. Of course Corona isn’t making things any easier.

“Loneliness is one of the worst things. In the darkest moments I sometimes really don’t know what to do. Though luckily on these rock bottom moments I manage to pull the switch and get back on my feet.

“I get up early and go for a tour around the Sloterplas lake, and when I’m out there I try to call my friends. They live in Australia but also in Asia and Brazil, early morning is a good time to reach them.

Meet Eva’s Little Moon Child

“I will have a social life again, if some months from now we’ll be a bit less restricted. For now I accept the loneliness and keep myself entertained by focussing on my 3D work.

“I bought a virtual reality headset with a generous gift voucher that I received from my work for Christmas. As a 3D artist I like to build virtual worlds and characters. I would love to create my own queer virtual reality chat room, I have the skills.

“The great thing about VR is that everything is possible. Am I going for a fluffy pink interior or do I take it in a surrealistic direction? Which planet will you see when you look out of the window? I want to set up the perfect chill room where me and my friends from all over the world can get together, regardless of where we are.”

Check out Eva’s 3D art

Eva & some of her friends, back in Sydney

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